REVIEW: THE CONJURING

Directed by	James Wan
Produced by	Tony DeRosa-Grund Peter Safran Rob Cowan
Written by	Chad Hayes Carey Hayes
Starring	Patrick Wilson Vera Farmiga Ron Livingston Lili Taylor

SYNOPSIS

Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) are paranormal investigators who have been helping cleanse houses afflicted by ghostly and demonic possessions for a number of years.   Their tales have been heralded and refuted by experts and eyewitnesses alike for decades.  The Conjuring, released in 2013 is a supposedly true account of just one of many of these investigations.

Here we are introduced to a traditional, cookie cutter family, the Perrons who claim there is an entity in their home terrorizing their 5 daughters.  Mother and Father (the amazing Lily Taylor and weren't you the guy from Office Space Ron Livingston) track down our ghost hunters and desperately beg them to their home.  Although hesitant, The Warrens agree to visit the home and check things out.  Upon their arrival Lorraine is overwhelmed with the darkness pervading the walls of the house.  Something is definitely there and wants this family dead.  SO, they rally their team of investigators who set up shop in the Perron home and havoc ensues....terrifying havoc.

MY THOUGHTS

Walking into these types of films I am always a little leery.  Us horror fans have seen it all and admittedly it takes a lot to creep us out.  How many times can you see a ghost floating across a room (I'm looking at you The Uninvited) before you reach for the remote and turn on the Food Network (shut up!  Guy Fieri is at a Greek Restaurant!)?  This film is different.  Director James Wan, most widely known as the director of Saw does a wonderful job setting up tension.  The scares in this film are real.  They are primal.  They are relatable.  For instance, there is a sequence with the daughter of the Warrens that raised major chills and certainly got me thinking why the Warrens would ever take trinkets from the houses they cleanse.  

This film, unlike many others these days utilizes very little gore and very little special effects to attain it's goal of scaring the shit out of you.  A number of times in this film we do see CGI but it is never OVER used and is ALWAYS effective and necessary.  There are sequences in this film that will chill you and stay with you long after the credits roll due to the fact that the effects team went old school.  Toward the end of the picture a sheet is used to absolute terrifying effect.  Putting a sheet over your head hasn't looked this scary since Halloween.  Kudos.

The pacing is also a concern in these types of films.  Normally we sit through 30-45 minutes of setup before some stuff goes down.  NOT THIS MOVIE.  It cranks from the get go and never really lets up.  The scares are nearly constant.  The breaks you do receive are completely necessary and are gladly supportive of character development, which also gravely lacks from modern horror. 

 The acting in this film is top notch, particularly from Lili Taylor (who single handedly carried the horrendous remake of The Haunting) who lets it RIP.  Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga do a great job portraying the toll cleansing houses takes on their own psyche and Ron Livingston is very adequate as the long suffering father who is rendered completely helpless in defending his family.

The cinematography and lighting in this film are key to its pathos.  The lighting in particular contributes to about 75% of the scares here.  It is what you don't see that is far more unsettling.  For example a shot on the stairs of the cellar in which a match keeps going out made me jump to the ceiling of my apartment.  The inevitable climax is enhanced by awesome overhead and off centered shots that slightly disorient the viewer and heighten their anticipation.

OVERALL

Horror fans united on this movie and that should tell you something.  For us jaded horror geeks to find something interesting is definitely an accomplishment in and of itself.  We are the hardest market to please and we were definitely pleased by this film.  It is scary, well acted and written, and is one that will become part of my library VERY soon.  Check this one out.  Best horror film of 2013.

I will give this 3 OH GIRLS and 1 NO SHE DIDN'T!

Until next time....Happy Slashing!

Brent Fabian

Review: Session 9

SESSION 9
Directed by: Brad Anderson
Written by: Brad Anderson and Stephen Gevedon
Starring: David Caruso, Peter Mullan, Josh Lucas


 "What are you doing here?"

Today I am going to review a movie that just plain ol' got under my skin.  I will do my best not to ruin the plot for you, but it will be difficult to review without some minor spoiler so heads up for the warnings in bold.

Plot:
A group of Asbestos removal workers are hired at the now closed Danvers State Hospital to do a massive clean up.  The leader of the group, Gordon is a quiet and subdued blue collar type who has just been separated from his wife and baby.  He puts in a bid on the job that requires the men to clean up the building in lightning fast fashion.  Gordon's team consists of 4 men:  a partner who has been with the company for years, a smart ass former law school dropout, a womanizing a-hole, and a newbie nephew who happens to be terrified of the dark.  As the men explore the dilapidated halls, the creaky floors and the filth ridden cellars their fears are brought to a head when one man doesn't show up for work.  Is someone in the building?  Is it haunted?  What the hell is going on in this once glorious, towering institution?

Characterizations: 
When I first saw this film some years ago I was immediately taken by its characters.  Each character is carefully thought out.  Although none of these characters are particularly likeable (with the exception of dear Gordon) the material itself does the unthinkable by luring the viewer willingly into their world.  You begin to care for each character.  A true example of this is when our young nephew finally faces his fear of the dark.  You truly don't want him to have to go there, but he does and he takes you along.  The tensions between each character add to the suspense of the piece by creating suspicion in the viewer.  There are brilliant performances here as well.  Truly a work of horror art.

Direction:
This film does not, I repeat DOES NOT utilize many of the horror cliches we have come to know and love.  There are no cats jumping out...there are no big tittied bimbos breaking their ankles.  Not once do you hear the words "C'mon guys....this isn't funny."  There are only long, often agonizing shots that are quite clever and slick.  The hues used here only add to the dreadful atmosphere.  This film doesn't need a lot of extravagant lighting or effects....it simply takes the camera road trip route and takes the viewer on a journey.  Mr. Anderson knows how to coax fear from his viewer.

Writing:
This is some of the most clever, yet simple stuff in modern horror.  Too often our horror writers go for shock....here the viewer is forced to follow, create, and piece together what is one hell of a payoff.  You will truly shiver at the outcome.  This is more of a thinking man's film, whereas a lot of horror today is fluff.  This will make you think.

Scares:
The scares in this film are slow to come, but that's ok.  The tension builds are the men explore the facility and halfway through the picture you are looking at your watch wondering where the time went.  It is certainly engrossing.  These are the types of scares that not only stay with you but make you not want to blink.  MINOR SPOILER
For instance, one man finds some old case files in the basement and begins to listen to audio recordings of "Sessions" from a former patient with multiple personality disorder.  We are treated to each session via audio tape until we reach Session 9 which will CHILL YOU.
END SPOILER
This is definitely a high brow film in the horror cannon so go in expecting a slow burner...not flying body parts.


Overall:
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.  This film is scary stuff.  It has divided horror fans due to its slow nature, but as we know people tend to love their horror in very particular fashions.  I can respect each kind if done well and trust me, this film is done quite well.  Check it out.

8 out of 10

HAPPY SLASHING Big Gay Horror Nerds!
Brent

V/H/S Video Review

THE SLEEPAWAY CAMP SERIES!

The 1980's were a special time for horror.  Halloween had set the tone in the 70's and a little publicized low budgeter you may have heard of called Friday the 13th came on the scene and the 80's slasher was born.  After the success of F13 a number of copycat summer camp slashers were pumped out by studios looking to cash in on the craze.  One of those films was a little different than the rest and caused quite a stir among horror fans due to its campy style and bizarre subject matter.  That film was called Sleepaway Camp.  The film spawned a number of sequels (a few of which I will not mention in this blog due to the fact they have nothing to do with the original trilogy.)  So.....let's get started!

I saw the the original trilogy when I was in high school in the 90's.  During one of my many local Blockbuster raids I noticed the above posted cover art.  Next to it were two sequels....so I thought "What the hell!" and got all 3.  Little did I know I would spend the next few hours in true horror camp heaven and would never be the same.  I started with the original.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!
The movie opens with a father on a trip with his young son and daughter.  They are at a lake boating when an accident kills the son (Peter) and the father.  The terribly introverted and obviously traumatized daughter (Angela) is left orphaned and sent to live with her eccentric Aunt Martha.  Aunt Martha has a son named Ricky who is roughly Angela's age.  Ricky is fiercely protective of his cousin Angela and they become very close.

Aunt Martha sends Angela and Ricky to Camp Arawack where Angela is terribly bullied and Ricky is constantly saving her, often getting himself into trouble with the camp counselors for his wicked, raging anger.  Calm the hell down bro.  Yes, I said "bro"....eat it.  ANYWAYS, Angela is tormented so terribly by the other campers that she rarely even speaks.  The only kid to earn her trust is Paul....a charming, handsome blonde boy who I am sure grew up to be a killer bottom in gay porn.

SUDDENLY, kids begin to die.  The killer is never revealed but the killings are done in a routine, by the numbers fashion.  One by one the evil tormenters are killed leaving the viewer to assume it is either Angela or Ricky behind the killings.  Toward the end of the film Angela invites her beau Paul for a swim and they head to the lake at night.  As the camp counselors find more and more bodies they frantically arrive at the beach where Angela is found humming and holding Paul (who is apparently sleeping) in her lap.  FLASHBACK TO AUNT MARTHA......it is revealed at the end that Aunt Martha brought Angela in and is very excited to have "the girl I have always wanted."  Trouble is....Angela isn't Angela.....but PETER....yes folks, PETER LIVED and the original Angela was killed.  Aunt Martha raised our poor young Peter as a girl.  FLASH FORWARD.....Angela on the beach turns around and jumps up revealing she has 3 things....Paul's head, a knife.....and a dick.  THE END.

I love this movie because it sticks to the normal 80's whodunit formula but takes this CRAZY left turn at the end.  It is truly the definition of a camp classic.  Terrible acting, decent effects, and a crazy plot twist.  Check it out for sure.

Onto part 2

This film opens with a group of kids around a campfire listening to camper Phoebe tell the story of the now legendary Camp Arawack killings.  When the story is finished Phoebe, who has snuck away from her own camp to hang out with the boys is found out by a female counselor.  The counselor orders Phoebe back to camp and off they go into the woods.  After Phoebe becomes a little mouthy in the secluded woods she is hit over the head with a piece of wood and her tongue is cut out.  YEP, our pissed off camp counselor is none other than Angela from the previous film.  This time around Angela (played by Pamela ImBruce'sSister Springsteen) is on a mission.....a mission to commit a genocide of assholes.  She quietly and hilariously wipes out the ENTIRE CAMP including her coworkers throughout the course of the film.

The selling point of this sequel is its ability to have a sense of humor.  Not only does Angela spew out wity one liners upon each murder but she does so in a fun and unique fashion.  Here we get a beheading, 2 slutty sisters who are torched, a girl drilled in the face, a stabbing, a guitar string strangling, a chainsaw death, a slit throat, and my personal favorite...death by leeches in the outhouse.  Yes, this movie goes there and does so brilliantly.  Whereas the original film aimed to scare you, this one aims to make you pee your pants and I almost did a number of times.  THIS is my favorite in the series.

PS: a fun piece of trivia: All the campers and counselors are named after Brat Packers....including the head of the camp "Uncle John" after John Hughes.  TOO MUCH FUN.

                               MISS ANGELA AIN'T KIDDIN' AROUND......

Now onto PART 3

This movie was made directly after the sequel was made and finds our lovely Angela as a disguised camper at a retreat type camp for troubled kids.  This camp is designed to intermingle street kids with rich kids and is run by two old coots who have way too much fun in this movie.  Angela murders a girl at the beginning of the film, puts her in a trash compactor, assumes her identity, and is carted off to Camp New Horizons to begin another bloodbath.  At this point we think we have seen it all from Angela....but this is not so.  Here we have a firecracker in someone's nose, a beheading with an axe, a lawnmower ran over someone's head who is buried in the dirt, a girl tied to a flagpole and dropped, among other fun deaths.  This film also has a quite comedic tone as it was directed and produced by the same man who did the sequel.  I find this one a little less entertaining simply because it becomes a little redundant after a while.

Ps: More Trivia: In this flick the rich kids are named after the Brady Bunch and the poor kids are named after characters from West Side Story.  The owners of the camp are Herman and Lily.....haha. HILARIOUS and subtle.

*Note* There is an unfinished and unrelated sequel that can be found in the Sleepaway Camp Survivor Kit Box Set and also a sequel made in the 2000's that was so bad I can't even go there.

SO......

DEFINITELY pick a night, order some pizzas and get a group of friends together because THESE FILMS ARE FUN and are meant to be viewed by a group of drunks.  You will laugh....you will cringe....and you will enjoy yourselves.

Until Next Time!  Keep on choppin!

Brent

RANDOM REVIEW: 28 WEEKS LATER

Welcome to my first in a series on my blog called "Random Reviews" in which I pick a film at random, eyes closed from my collection to review it.....I have everything from amazing to REALLY bad, so this is going to be interesting!

FIRST UP I chose.............

28 WEEKS LATER (2007)
Directed by: Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (say that 3 times fast)
Written by: A whole bunch of people I am too lazy to list.
Starring: Robert Carlyle, Rose Byrne, and Jeremy Renner

NOW....anyone that knows me knows that I like my horror straight forward, with little to no genre bending.  I like em' serious.  I like em' dark.  And I like em' scary.  This film delivers the goods.  It's a gory, fun ride that is almost too intense to handle in places.  It's sort of a zombie film (more on that in a bit)...but mostly just a kick ass survival story. 

This film is a sequel to the 2002 film 28 Days Later, which I am sort of ashamed to admit I was not a huge fan of.  I thought it played too heavily on the military subplot and failed to deliver what I expected would revitalize the zombie genre....although it sort of did.  The "zombies" in these films are not zombies at all, yet normal, everyday folks who are inflicted with a "Rage" virus that turns them into monsters.  Once infected they are maniacal, fast, and hunt alone and in packs.  This virus is passed through bites, saliva, etc.  In the original film a man wakes up from a coma to find the city of London deserted in a sort of post apocalyptic haze.  Upon investigation he is soon attacked by raving maniacs and must fend them off with other survivors in a remote house....a la Night of the Living Dead.

In the sequel we learn that 28 weeks after the original events London has been virtually wiped out by quarantining the rage virus to the main island.  The infected have officially starved and are all dead.  The island is proclaimed safe yet still quarantined.  Survivors are now herded back to London but are forbidden by the military to cross into the quarantined zones, even if they lived there.  They are to find new homes and rebuild. 

A father who escaped a farmhouse after a major attack is reunited with his 2 children (a younger brother and teenage sister) during their return to London.  Upon their reunion he tells them the events which eventually led to the death of their mother.  The children, devastated decide to sneak out of the safe zone and into the quarantined zone to retrieve a picture of their late mother at their home.  Upon arriving they find their mother alive and disoriented.  Turns out she is infected with the virus but has a special immunity.  Scientists take her in to study her in hopes of finding a cure.  During her stay her husband is made aware she is alive and sneaks in to see her, whereupon he kisses her....and turns into this......

aaaaaaaaaand all hell breaks loose....again! The rage  virus spreads like wild fire and the entire city of London is once again completely overrun with fast as lightning, intelligent zombies.

The coolest part of this story is the humanity.  The lengths at which the sister will go to protect her brother, along with a female scientist who must also protect the brother due to his hereditary immunity of the virus is really the heart of the film.  There is also a soldier who goes against orders to protect the family.  These human stories tie very nicely into the action which is itself unrelenting.

There are sequences of violence in this film that made me entirely uncomfortable....especially the untimely fate of the mother.  This sucker NEVER lets up and before you know it body parts are a' flyin'.  The gore quotient is rather high here as well, but not overdone.  This ultra-violent universe is created almost perfectly by the director and writers.

I definitely recommend this movie even if you weren't a fan of the original.  I give it 3 "ooooh girls" and 4 "no she betta don'ts."

Stay tuned for more Random Reviews!!!!

Big, gay bear hugs!

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW CLIFFS NOTES

"Look what your brother did to the door!" are words I will never forget.  They were much needed words.  Words that brought one laugh...one light-hearted chuckle amongst a good 45 minutes of absolute terror.  I was 14 years old and I was viewing what would turn out to be one of the best horror films in the history of all cinema, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

This series began in 1974 and has undergone quite a few makeovers over the years.  Some have worked.  Most have not, but it's still a quite enjoyable ride considering the masterpiece that began the whole dance.  So we will start there!

Released in 1974 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was certainly an ambitious project by director Tobe Hooper.  At the time Hooper was working as an assistant director at the University of Texas at Austin.  He became familiar with the surrounding Texas woods and wanted to showcase that isolation.  He rounded up some buddies, about $300,000 and made one of the most successful independent films of all time.  This is it....the grandaddy of all ultra-violent (notice I did NOT say gory) films.  This one will stay with you forever.

It involves 5 young people (PS one of the first films to do that)...driving in a van (refer to other parenthesis) and heading out to a desolate house to visit just because (again....refer to those prior parenthesis').  NOW....one by one our lovely kids become a little too curious and visit the "house down the hill" only to find Leatherface and his family of nutcases, the Sawyers.  Of course our protagonists are all offed in various ways until we are left with poor Franklin (yep....killed) and Sally (played brilliantly by Marilyn Burns) who is tortured, chased, beaten, chased, stabbed, and chased by this brood of inbred hill folks.

This film is legendary in its rawness, its visceral nature, and its unrelenting pace.  Once the action really gets going 2/3 of the way through the film....it NEVER lets up.  This poor girl ain't ever gon' be right.  Banned outright in several countries because of its gratuitous violence the film is now heralded as one of the most important films in cinematic history.  It has been ripped, prodded, picked by directors who steal Hooper's tricks and sequencing.  So many films now look to this one as inspiration....and usually never come close.

What I want to do in this blog is explore the mythology of these films and touch base on each film in the series.  There is a method to my madness so bear with me.  First up....the sequel.

This film was once again directed by Tobe Hooper.  Released in 1986 it follows the original a decade later and involves the original family with an added brother named Chop Top.  The film is half slasher/half revenge movie concerning a fast talking radio DJ named Stretch (who looks like Aunt Jackie from Roseanne) and a Texas Ranger named Lefty who is the uncle of Sally and Franklin from the first film.  This film grew on me over the years.  Once I took it for what it was I enjoyed it more.  It plays more like a comedy than a horror film to me and I think it satirical nature was lost on audiences, although it has gained quite a cult following among fan boys.  NOW ON TO LEATHERFACE....

This was "the boring one" released in 1990....it doesn't exactly follow the same characters as the original with the exception of Leatherface and is just not entertaining in the least.  The film involves a couple who come across the Sawyer family and co-stars Viggo Mortenson and horror icon Ken Foree of Dawn of the Dead fame.  It has some cool tension in the opening scenes with Leatherface lurking around but then falls WAY FLAT fast. Why, God?  MOVING ON.

Released as an independent film in 1994 with co-writer and producer of the original film Kim Henkel.  Starring then unknowns Renee Zellwegger and Matthew McConaughey this movie holds the record of worst movie I had ever seen for a number of years.  This film is again completely unrelated to the other pictures and has a few too many subplots that don't work....such as Leatherface as a transexual.  HUH?  Oooooh girl, have your roots done.  WASTE.  (Although we can see why Renee and Matthew went onto bigger and better things.  They do a pretty good job with what they are given.)

AND NOW THE REBOOTS......

This film was a direct re-imagining of the original film released in 2003.  This film is pretty cool because it introduces some awesome new characters including a mother and a CRAZY sheriff played brilliantly by R, Lee Ermey.  It has everything you want in a horror movie and everything you don't want in a TCM franchise movie.  First off the film is incredibly well made.  The cinematography, the sequences, the acting are all rather sharp here.  The action never lets up and the film in and of itself is VERY good.  However, what is missing here is the grungy feeling you get watching a TCM movie.  The fear of the original was brought to you in part by its "made on a dime" nature, so this slick reboot doesn't quite give you the same reaction.  Unnecessary?  Sure...BUT as a film on its own.....it's the best shot they could have given and is the best overall after the original.

This 2006 film is a direct prequel to the 2003 reboot.  I am not quite sure why it was made except for perhaps a cash in on the growing number of prequels pervading our cineplexes these days, however all in all it is not a bad film.  It's pretty violent and gory yet doesn't sustain the action that its predecessor does rendering it the lesser of the two reboots.  It also delves into a "history" for Leatherface which we all know is retardation station.

And finally....our most recent entry....

I don't even know where to begin.  This film is just bad.  It is a 2013 direct sequel to the ORIGINAL film....yes, kids they had the balls.  The rights for the Texas chainsaw mythology were bought from Platinum Dunes who produced our previous reboots by Lions Gate and Twisted Pictures (known for the Saw films).....sounds promising right?  Boy was I wrong.  Not only is the movie in really bad 3D, but also has some of the worst dialogue in recent memory.   Such humdingers as "Do your thing, cuz." and "Welcome to Texas, mother fucker." are among the most unintentionally hilarious.  Also as we open the film in flashback we are introduced to characters who are JUST THERE.....where did these women come from???   Among other atrocities this film has to offer we are subjected to the dumbest Beauty and the Beast/incest love story in recent memory.  SKIP IT.

So where does all this leave Leatherface?  Hopefully in your DVD player with the original 1974 picture.  The rest are truly just cash ins and there's only one that matters.....we don't need to know about Leatherface or who the Sawyer family is.....we just want to be scared and the original does a damn good job at that.  So watch it!  If you are considering the rest, refer to this blog and ask yourself...."is this how I should waste the next 90 minutes?"  Do yourself a favor and check out the big dog first.


Happy slashing big gay readers!
Brent Fabian

REVIEW

INSIDE (2007)
Directed by: Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury
Written by: Alexandre Bustillo


Horror films are meant to scare you....right?  Occasionally they are political or socially relevant in nature.  A great example of this is Dawn of the Dead.  These are most often my favorite kinds of horror films.  Occasionally a film comes along that not only scares the shit out of me but makes me really think.  One of the best examples I can think of is INSIDE (aka A I'interieur), a 2007 French horror film that packs quite a whollop of not only scares but tons of social commentary. 

First let's give you a little plot, which is quite simple.  Expectant mother Sarah is home alone on Christmas Eve awaiting her appointment to induce labor the following day.  Depressed and brooding from having lost her husband in a car accident months before she has taken to her bed mostly and has very little social contact with friends and family, including her mother who later meets a horrifying fate. 

All ready for bed Sarah hears a knock on the door.  Upon answering it a mysterious woman asks to use her phone.  Sarah denies her and is rather suspicious of this woman particularly after the woman insists on coming inside.  Sarah refuses and contacts the police who agree to stop by.  When he police arrive the woman has vanished leaving Sarah with the discomfort that she may return so they agree to check in on her periodically.

Once Sarah is in bed the strange woman enters the house, sneaks into Sarah's bedroom and attempts to cut Sarah's stomach with scissors.  Sarah fends off her attacker long enough to make it to the bathroom where.....you guessed it...she goes into labor.  A few accidental deaths and TONS of gore later we are left with an ending that will never be erased from my mind. 

The commentary lies in the notion of the attacker trying to steal Sarah's baby.  Could this be an allegory for abortion?  Perhaps a social "fuck you" to lawmakers who insist on telling a woman what she can and can't do with her body?  As we all know...only one man can tell a woman what to do with her body and that was Bob Fosse.

 

Bring it bitch.....I will flat out Heather Langenkamp your ass.

SO....what did I think?  LET'S DO SOME CATEGORICAL SURVEYING:


ACTING:
Incredibly strong here for a horror flick.  You genuinely feel Sarah's fear throughout the film.  The piece is largely Sarah and her attacker so the burden of carrying the picture lies with them and they both knock it out of the park.

GORE:
Tons.....it gets downright disgusting....and all gore in this movie IS necessary.

DIRECTION:
The French have been popping out fantastic horror for a number of years now and this ranks as my favorite.  The colors and lenses used in this film really do add to its visceral nature.  This film is relentless in its violence and action.  Once it starts it never lets up.

SCARE FACTOR:
If you are pregnant or will ever be pregnant in any way.....don't watch this movie.  The end.

OVERALL:
I highly, and I mean HIGHLY recommend this movie.  Personally I think it's the underdog, being overshadowed by High Tension and Martyrs but in my opinion this is the better film.  The only issue I have with it is that it can tend to be poorly lit at times forcing the viewer to squint here and there....but that is completely random and infrequent.

Here is a link for the trailer.  CHECK IT OUT BIG GAY FOLLOWERS!  Until next time....I gotta show to do!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVGswuX42x0

CREATURE FEATURES WEEK

" Get away from her, you BITCH!"

Ahhhhh, the line so many horror and sci fi fans consider to be the greatest of all time.  Ripley had HAD ENOUGH girl and she was about to show this alien how a real bitch does it.  Fan boys and girls cheered all over and suddenly we had a new action hero to fawn over who actually had a beaver.  BUT we all know who the real star of ALIENS was.....the muh' fuckin ALIEN YO.  Ok, enough hoodrat talk.  As badass as Ripley was, we wanted to see Mama Alien in all her real animatronic glory.  She was sleek, black, gooey and effin FAST.  We loved her and the bitch could throw down.  I, for one kind of rooted for her.  She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and wanted to spread her babies around.  She was the Octomom of space.....and I for one want a Queen Alien porno.  Quit hatin.

So my buddy Bob over at Candy Coated Razor Blades asked if I would submit an entry for Creature Feature Week and naturally I said yes!  Creature Features are more than likely never gonna be Oscar winners.  They are never going to earn the respect of stuffy film critics who can't appreciate them for what they are,but us geeks will always fill a theatre to see a cool looking creature....PERIOD.   Looking through all the options was daunting.  There are WAY too many to mention that I absolutely love....so I wrote some down, threw them in a hat and randomly chose 5.  These were the winners.

     TREMORS (1990)

The "town" (ok like 2 houses and a store) of Perfection, Nevada is about to get schooled by subterranean slugs who shoot out snakes from their mouths.  They feel every vibration from the surface so walking, driving, and especially using your pogo stick is a no no.  My favorite thing about this movie are the creatures themselves...all in all 3 of them that look like big turds with crab claws as mouths.  They travel underground and utilize a surprise attack method.  It's JAWS in the desert.  This movie is JAM PACKED with action and comedy.  It stars Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Michael Gross, and Reba McEntire (yes, THAT Reba McEntire). 

BEST SCENE: A man and woman who are camping are not only eaten, but so is their car.  And they had just paid it off.  Silly campers.

Next up.....

THE RUINS (2008)

I really like this movie.  The creatures in this one are plants!  Yes....plants.  A group of vacationing kids snoop too far into the jungle and are forced atop a Mayan ruin by villagers who will kill them if they come down....the bigger issue is....the shrubbery is alive and starts to eat their faces off.  It's one of those movies where you wonder "how are they gonna fill 80 or so minutes on top of a Mayan pyramid?" BUT they do and it is deliciously gory.  Check this one out.

BEST SCENE: A girl performs a self surgery to remove vines from her legs after her friends refuse.  G....ROSS.

Onto # 3

THE FACULTY (1998)

I might get some flack for this but EAT ME fanboys...I like it.  This movie came out during the late 90's string of high school horror and for me was a welcome addition to what seems like a never ending re-imagining of the same plot.  This one was different.  Written by the whip smart Kevin Williamson it follows a group of high school kids from different walks of life who band together when their teachers start acting REALLY weird.  The jock, the nerd, the druggie, the goth girl, the bitch, and the "innocent" ahem new girl have to figure out a way to stop "The Faculty" a STAR STUDDED lineup including Jon Stewart, Bebe Neuwirth, Salma Hayek, Robert Patrick, and horror ICON Piper Laurie.  There is a ton of stuff to like here so bite my teething ring if you don't like it.

BEST SCENE: A really tense scene in the locker room where our hero is pursued by the queen alien.  SHUT UP...the girl from "Fifteen" is in this. 

Numero 4

SLITHER (2006)

This WILD....and I mean WILD movie was directed by James Gunn and stars Henry himself, Michael Rooker as a douche who is investigates a fallen meteorite (never a good idea by the way) and is infected by a parasite from another world.  Havoc ensues.  The small town of Wherever We Are, Insert State Here is soon overrun with hideous sluglike parasites.  This movie is ridiculous....in such a great way.  It's completely disgusting and totally fun.  CHECK IT OUT for sure.

BEST SCENE: Exploding woman....enough said.

AND FINALLY

PUMPKINHEAD (1988)

This movie was the directorial debut of makeup wizard Stan Winston and is a guilty pleasure of mine.  SHUT UP IS THAT MAYIM BIALIK?  Anyway, a group of douches and their girlfriends travel to the desert to do some dirt bike riding and stop at a little country store run by Lance Henrikson.  He has this cute little Ralphie kid who is his son and they are alone.  Mama died and all she left us was this lousy t-shirt.  While stopped the douches notice some killer terrain behind the store so they decide to do a little ridin....welp, would ya look at that....we killed the kid by accident.  SO...dad takes the dead boy to a local witch who uses his blood to resurrect PUMPKINHEAD...ARRRRGGGHHH.  Pumpkinhead's sole purpose is to wreak havoc and vengeance on the kids who killed the shopkeeper's son.  Some really cool effects here (no CGI like it's terrible sequels....don't EVEN)...and some pretty decent kills.

BEST SCENE: A girl is taken into the trees by Pumpkinhead and dropped to a stone below.

SO there ya have it......my five randomly picked Creature Features.  I'm sure you are curious what other films were in my hat so....here ya go!

The Thing (1982)
The Descent (2005) REVIEW COMING SOON
Night of the Creeps (1986)
Arachnophobia (1990)
Piranha (1978)
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Gremlins (1984)
Little Shop of Horrors (1986) REVIEW COMING SOON
Them (1954)
Cloverfield (2008)

Thanks for asking me to take part in this week of Creature Features!  See you all soon BITCHES!!!!!  And now......a completely random picture of Frank Stallone.

EVIL DEAD (2013) REVIEW

Ok let's get down to it.  The original Evil Dead from 1981 is my favorite horror movie ever.  Crazy low budget, insanely good production values considering, and terrific performances.  When I read online that Sam Raimi would be producing a remake I was a little iffy.  Now I don't jump on the "All Remakes Are of the Devil" train.  I tend to enjoy them actually when they are done well (The Hills Have Eyes), but I was more than a little concerned that the magic of the original Evil Dead wouldn't translate to 2013.

BOY WAS I WRONG.

Let me start off by giving a little plot for yo' ratchety asses.  Meet David, a brooding, sensitive, yet I think he has a past brother to Mia, a great big ol druggie.  They meet up at a remote family cabin with Natalie (David's girlfriend who was instantly likeable), Olivia (a nurse who I wanted to see die immediately), and Eric (some douche with glasses).  As an audience we aren't given too much info on the relationships of these people or even how they all know each other.  The only thing we need to know is that they are all here to help Mia kick her "powder in a plastic bag" habit.  After a ritualistic disposing of the drugs Mia begins withdrawals and begins to flip out over smells in the basement.  Upon investigation our lovely disposables find a ritual site filled with hooks, dead cats, a burnt post, and a strange package containing a leather bound book.  Douche with glasses begins to read it....invisible demon from woods shows up....Mia gets plowed by an couple of Sycamores and the rest is history.  Deadites everywhere.

                                                    you big demon lezzy.


I really don't want to compare the two films although it's hard not to so I'll give ya the pros.  I really liked that there was nary a cell phone to be found in this movie.  Thank you to the screenwriters.  We eliminate the problem of a cell phone age by not even bringing it up.  Brilliant.  We also have a reason to be at this cabin and a reason to STAY.  Mia had escaped rehab before and overdosed a number of times so the friends make a pact to keep her there.  Since she is the first possessed they are to assume she is just coming down and thats why she's acting like a cunt on wheels.  So our reasonings to stay at this cabin are very sound.  Good job.

Secondly, the suspense.  In this movie there are lots...and I mean lots of noises to make you squirm.  My friend watched most of the movie with his hands over his ears awaiting the jump scares.  Now....the jump scares in this movie are not trivial at all....in fact they are awesome and really add to the experience.  There are totally relentless sequences in this movie that will make you uncomfortable in a great way such as a sequence with a nail gun that was my favorite part of the movie.

Next we go to GORE.  Now ya can't have an Evil Dead movie without lots of gore and trust me...this movie delivers.  We get LOTS of cool stuff: a face removal, nail gun punctures,  a sawed off arm, a tongue splitting, a head bashing, a hand ripped off, and a piece at the very end that amps it up BIG TIME.  If you like gore this movie gives it to you.  And I'm not talkin CGI craptastic gory bits...but good, old fashioned corn syrup BLOOD everywhere.

                                      ooh girl....you shonuff DID honey.

The performances are great, especially by the actress playing Mia.  She really is right up there with Cheryl from the original movie.  As to be expected the characters aren't very fleshed out (until they start ripping the flesh out) but who cares....it's a friggin gore movie.  MINOR SPOILER.  The only thing I would change is I would make "The Abomination" toward the end of the film a little more spectacular.  She was just a regular girl...and after years in hell I would want her to be more demon like or creature-ey.  Is that a word?

ANYWAYS...DO check this one out.  Easily the best theatrically released horror movie of the year.

It gets 3 YES GIRLS and 1 half Oooh bitch.

AUGUST UNDERGROUND'S MORDUM

Today I am going to talk about a film called August Underground's Mordum.  This is a film that is CLEARLY for the hardest of hardcore horror fans.  It involves subject matter that is plain old sick.  While googling the sickest movies I could find I kept reading about this one so I went ahead and watched it.  After viewing it I was not only uncomfortable but it made me think about WHY we as horror fans enjoy these films and when the action is all too real how even the most jaded horror fan can be turned off.

Now I can't post a lot of stills from this film because frankly they are all too graphic and most of the films involves nudity.  Not good nudity mind you....but disgusting nudity.  I am not here to "judge" this film's content or it's filmmaker's intent but to review it as a whole, so please bear that in mind.  It is billed as a simulated snuff film, being shot in found footage style at the hands of 3 psychos who reeeally enjoy saying the word "fuck" and well....puke a lot. 

The film centers around our 3 maniacs in a series of vignettes, some more vile than others.  There is no real "plot" or dialogue here which I find odd considering the film has 5 directors and writers.  I am assuming the 5 "directors" happen to be the main characters of the the film....and to be honest I would like to poke around in their heads for a few hours just to see what they don't have the guts to transfer to celluloid....because honestly it doesn't get much more graphic than this.  The film is shot in hand held, old school JVC camcorder style which adds to its realism.  You really do feel like you are watching a home movie.  There is nothing slick here at all, which is a blessing and a curse for this film.

This movie has it all....rape, self mutilation, murder, torture, puke, necrophilia, puke, lots of gore, dead babies, puke, dead children, puke, a really disturbing disembowelment, and more puke.  I am not sure how "entertaining" all this is, but I think it is made clear that you should not "enjoy" this experience, yet be affected by it.  It's not a film you can soon unsee.  It stays with you for weeks.  In my case, months.

There are other films in this vein that I feel are more successful such as the films of Lucifer Valentine which I find way more artistic and effective.  In Mordum we are simply treated to the grit and in this instance I feel the point is somehow missed.  I am not as moved as I should be when I am simply repulsed.  I cannot in good conscience recommend this film on the ground that is just not that great of a movie.  The best thing going for it are the effects that are genuinely great.  The gore looks REALLY real here and the performances given by the victims are very realistic as well.  The biggest problem I have is with the killers themselves.  This is also a problem I have with Rob Zombie's films.  The psychos try too hard.  They spout "fuck, fuck, fuck" and yell a lot making them more of a mockery than a frightening, effective character.  I am way more scared of someone who says very little than someone who says "Look at this fucking fuck."  Really?

So if you feel like you are unmovable and can take it, go ahead and watch it.  It's definitely depraved....but not a very good film at all.  It's not something I would want to watch again, but as a hardcore fanboy it's something that is definitely on the must see list along with Cannibal Holocaust and Salo.  Ya just have to see it to believe it.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1988)
Directed By: Kevin Tenney
Written By: Joe Augustyn
Starring: Amelia Kinkade, Cathy Podewell, Alvin Alexis, and Linnea Quigley

BIG GAY REVIEW:
Ahhh, I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was 10 years old.  My father would take me to visit a local video store called "The Emporium" where I would study the horror section for what seemed like an eternity while my Dad would talk to the owner Gus.  As they were washed in conversation about the weather or sports I would be perusing the horror section in pursuit of the nastiest thing I could find. "Hmmmm....Night of the Demons?  This looks interesting and this chick looks freaky as hell."  I grabbed it and nervously awaited what I would see when I got home.

BOY WAS I GLAD.  This movie turned out to be one of the coolest movies of my childhood.  Flicks like this one, Waxwork, and Return of the Living Dead were awesome movies to grow up on.

The story involves Angela, a creepy goth chick (is it the costume or does she just dress like that?) who decides to throw a Halloween party at Hull House, a local abandoned funeral home.  She has invited the most unlikeable people in the Universe.  The jock, the womanizer, the douchiest guy ON THE PLANET, the rebel, the slut (a couple of them), the plain Jane, the "this film needs a black guy" black guy, a couple other douche nozzles, and the one wholesome girl with big tits who is clearly going to survive, Judy.  The setup is simple.  The party is in full swing until a "past life" seance releases a demon spirit from the crematorium downstairs.  The demon possesses the slutty chick, played by the gloriously bad Linnea Quigley and havoc ensues.  Once you are killed by the demon you in turn become one leaving poor Judy and "ok we'll give you a bigger part, black guy" Roger to run for their lives and try to get out alive.

                                         I have those shoes.

The best thing about Night of the Demons is it's ability to NOT take itself too seriously.  These guys know they are making a fun, bad movie and seem to enjoy it.  The result is a fun, gory master-piece of 80's kick ass pie.  The comedy rears it's head early on in the above scene.  Linnea's character asked the store clerk "Do you have Sour Balls?....Too bad.  You must not get many blowjobs." *rimshot*   As a gay guy with little to no taste, I of course laugh every time.  Another line later on in the film is repeated by me on a daily basis and that line is "Eat...a bowl....of fuck."  The comedy here is great.

The kills in this movie are pretty good for a low budgeter.  We get an arm ripped off by a casket, a tongue bitten out, two eyeballs pushed in, a neck broken, an impalement, some cool melting, among others.  The effects are great as well.  There is one silly stop motion effect that makes me laugh every time involving the disembodied arm. The only issue I have with the effects is the REALLY bad "demon puppet" that is shown to represent the invisible demon spirit.  Pretty tacky looking guy....but I'd still fuck him probably.

The performances are standard 80's horror fare.  Bad...on purpose.  The greatest performance in this film is given by the amazing Amelia Kinkade who plays Angela.  She is by far the nastiest demon and my homegirl Amelia seems to revel in the character, floating up and down the halls chewing the scenery and the faces of the other actors.  She does a very creepy dance in the middle of the film in which she has NO petticoat on during the dance....yet a FULL one when she spins out of the dance.  Ok, that's the one gay thing I'll say in this blog entry.  Another hilarious performance is given by a lipstick.  Just sayin.

                                 Really inventive shot used in the film.

Seriously, if you haven't gotten your hands on this gem, check it out.  DO NOT....I REPEAT DO NOT watch the 2009 remake before viewing this one.  It sucks and I wouldn't want to ruin your chances of seeing this amazing movie.

This one gets 4 snaps and a "Girl, Please!"

The gays have it!

I am gay.  I am a horror fan.  I am a big, gay horror fan.  Lots of my friends are big, gay horror fans.  I am not sure what it is about this particular genre that connects with a gay audience.  Maybe we're jaded by society and we just like to see people get theirs.  Maybe we revel in the fact that our lifestyle is ignorantly considered "edgy" or "alternative."  Or maybe we just like to see people get their heads cut off just like straight people.  All I know is that when I plan a trip to the movies or check out my local Redbox I want to first know if any horror is available.  There's something about the rush of being scared or at least watching other people be scared in a group environment.

                                                                   God, that's hot.

I am 32 years old.  I grew up in a small town in West Virginia called Logan.  It was a typical mountain town.  Creeks, hollows, a dark, mysterious past.  In our small town a legend roamed those hills and her name was Mamie Thurman.  (I will soon devote a full blog to her.)  She was murdered almost a century ago and is said to roam the hills, haunting and scaring the shit out of the locals.  I was just fascinated by her.  My mother used to drive us around 22 Mountain where she was supposedly always seen.  She would drive us up there and then turn the lights off in the car and we would just sit there.PRAYING for Mamie to jump out and kill us all with an axe.  At 9-10 years old I didn't know how to define my sexuality, but I certainly knew I loved horror.

                                                       From neck sucker to dick sucker.

As a kid I used to spend lots of time at my Aunt Norma's house.  Aside from being my idol in every way, my Aunt Norma was a HUGE gorehound and would rent 5-6 movies at a time....all horror....and we would stay up all night long and watch them as a family (my cousins, sister, aunts and I).  THUS generated my obsession with all things bloody. 

In this blog I will cover horror from a gay perspective.  Don't be surprised to see a "girl" or a "no she didn't" thrown in for good measure.  If you like it great!  If you don't, just follow the advice of my Aunt Norma and "shut up or I'll rip your lips off."

LOVE,
Brent Fabian
Big, Gay Horror Fan