Wednesday, May 15, 2013

CREATURE FEATURES WEEK

" Get away from her, you BITCH!"

Ahhhhh, the line so many horror and sci fi fans consider to be the greatest of all time.  Ripley had HAD ENOUGH girl and she was about to show this alien how a real bitch does it.  Fan boys and girls cheered all over and suddenly we had a new action hero to fawn over who actually had a beaver.  BUT we all know who the real star of ALIENS was.....the muh' fuckin ALIEN YO.  Ok, enough hoodrat talk.  As badass as Ripley was, we wanted to see Mama Alien in all her real animatronic glory.  She was sleek, black, gooey and effin FAST.  We loved her and the bitch could throw down.  I, for one kind of rooted for her.  She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and wanted to spread her babies around.  She was the Octomom of space.....and I for one want a Queen Alien porno.  Quit hatin.

So my buddy Bob over at Candy Coated Razor Blades asked if I would submit an entry for Creature Feature Week and naturally I said yes!  Creature Features are more than likely never gonna be Oscar winners.  They are never going to earn the respect of stuffy film critics who can't appreciate them for what they are,but us geeks will always fill a theatre to see a cool looking creature....PERIOD.   Looking through all the options was daunting.  There are WAY too many to mention that I absolutely love....so I wrote some down, threw them in a hat and randomly chose 5.  These were the winners.

     TREMORS (1990)


















The "town" (ok like 2 houses and a store) of Perfection, Nevada is about to get schooled by subterranean slugs who shoot out snakes from their mouths.  They feel every vibration from the surface so walking, driving, and especially using your pogo stick is a no no.  My favorite thing about this movie are the creatures themselves...all in all 3 of them that look like big turds with crab claws as mouths.  They travel underground and utilize a surprise attack method.  It's JAWS in the desert.  This movie is JAM PACKED with action and comedy.  It stars Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Michael Gross, and Reba McEntire (yes, THAT Reba McEntire). 

BEST SCENE: A man and woman who are camping are not only eaten, but so is their car.  And they had just paid it off.  Silly campers.

Next up.....

THE RUINS (2008)



















I really like this movie.  The creatures in this one are plants!  Yes....plants.  A group of vacationing kids snoop too far into the jungle and are forced atop a Mayan ruin by villagers who will kill them if they come down....the bigger issue is....the shrubbery is alive and starts to eat their faces off.  It's one of those movies where you wonder "how are they gonna fill 80 or so minutes on top of a Mayan pyramid?" BUT they do and it is deliciously gory.  Check this one out.

BEST SCENE: A girl performs a self surgery to remove vines from her legs after her friends refuse.  G....ROSS.

Onto # 3

THE FACULTY (1998)



















I might get some flack for this but EAT ME fanboys...I like it.  This movie came out during the late 90's string of high school horror and for me was a welcome addition to what seems like a never ending re-imagining of the same plot.  This one was different.  Written by the whip smart Kevin Williamson it follows a group of high school kids from different walks of life who band together when their teachers start acting REALLY weird.  The jock, the nerd, the druggie, the goth girl, the bitch, and the "innocent" ahem new girl have to figure out a way to stop "The Faculty" a STAR STUDDED lineup including Jon Stewart, Bebe Neuwirth, Salma Hayek, Robert Patrick, and horror ICON Piper Laurie.  There is a ton of stuff to like here so bite my teething ring if you don't like it.

BEST SCENE: A really tense scene in the locker room where our hero is pursued by the queen alien.  SHUT UP...the girl from "Fifteen" is in this. 

Numero 4

SLITHER (2006)



















This WILD....and I mean WILD movie was directed by James Gunn and stars Henry himself, Michael Rooker as a douche who is investigates a fallen meteorite (never a good idea by the way) and is infected by a parasite from another world.  Havoc ensues.  The small town of Wherever We Are, Insert State Here is soon overrun with hideous sluglike parasites.  This movie is ridiculous....in such a great way.  It's completely disgusting and totally fun.  CHECK IT OUT for sure.

BEST SCENE: Exploding woman....enough said.

AND FINALLY

PUMPKINHEAD (1988)



















This movie was the directorial debut of makeup wizard Stan Winston and is a guilty pleasure of mine.  SHUT UP IS THAT MAYIM BIALIK?  Anyway, a group of douches and their girlfriends travel to the desert to do some dirt bike riding and stop at a little country store run by Lance Henrikson.  He has this cute little Ralphie kid who is his son and they are alone.  Mama died and all she left us was this lousy t-shirt.  While stopped the douches notice some killer terrain behind the store so they decide to do a little ridin....welp, would ya look at that....we killed the kid by accident.  SO...dad takes the dead boy to a local witch who uses his blood to resurrect PUMPKINHEAD...ARRRRGGGHHH.  Pumpkinhead's sole purpose is to wreak havoc and vengeance on the kids who killed the shopkeeper's son.  Some really cool effects here (no CGI like it's terrible sequels....don't EVEN)...and some pretty decent kills.

BEST SCENE: A girl is taken into the trees by Pumpkinhead and dropped to a stone below.

SO there ya have it......my five randomly picked Creature Features.  I'm sure you are curious what other films were in my hat so....here ya go!

The Thing (1982)
The Descent (2005) REVIEW COMING SOON
Night of the Creeps (1986)
Arachnophobia (1990)
Piranha (1978)
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Gremlins (1984)
Little Shop of Horrors (1986) REVIEW COMING SOON
Them (1954)
Cloverfield (2008)

Thanks for asking me to take part in this week of Creature Features!  See you all soon BITCHES!!!!!  And now......a completely random picture of Frank Stallone.




4 comments:

  1. Hey, if you need to borrow my Director's Cut copy of Little Shop, let me know. It has the restored alternate ending.

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  2. Also, THANK YOU! My Creature Feature week has been infiltrated by real life so your awesome addition is really helping out!

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  3. Frank Stallone and I thank you.

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  4. No movie should ever be a guilty pleasure. If you like it, there's nothing to be guilty about. I stopped apologizing for my taste in movies (or lack thereof) years ago.

    On that note: I'm with you on The Faculty. Great freakin' cast, right? Yeah, it's yet another late nineties horror movie that made the mistake of using the "floating heads" poster motif, but beyond that it's solid.

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